Dear Kimmie, you are my diary, am I yours?

So the good news Kimmer is that I am totally off the juice, the nicotine juice that is - which is super good right? unfortunately I am about two seconds away from overdosing on vitamins and probiotics and maybe dayquil. Now, you know I love me some Nyquil and the second that I feel a cough / cold / headache / foot-ache / injury / period coming I am all up in it because 1) it is delicious and 2) it is the only night-time, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching stuffy head, fever SO YOU CAN REST meds that has truly been able to keep me resting, especially because my plucky 3 year old dachshund whose name I won't mention (Mallory Justine Keaton) has a tendency to wake up in the middle of the night and lick my toes which is super gross and makes me so mad. Thanks to my lover nyquil, I wake up bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and pruney-toed, but I don't care because it is awesome. Anyway, what was I talking about - oh yeah, Nyquil/Dayquil. I never knew how glorious the touch of Dayquil, aside from feeling like my desk chair is a roller-coaster - which I hate by the way - roller-coasters - they are to me the inanimate object version of Steven Spielberg, trying to tell me how to feel - thank you no, I don't need your help to feel through this moment of my life and I think that a baby could write a better script than stupid Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of fucking the eye socket in your Crystal Skull or whatever - anyway - I keep losing my train of thought, thank you very much Dayquil. Where was I, oh yes. So I think that some sicko who works in my 1970s deppresso building is like those people in the 80s who had AIDS and were like - fuck it - if I am going to die than so will you, so they fucked everyone they could - spreading AIDS at every opportunity. If you don't know what I am talking about - look it up or watch an episode of Law and Order SVU, I guarantee every other episode uses that plot-line. Anyway, I think someone here is walking around with the sickness and spitting/snotting on everything he/she (probably a she because the women out number the creepy old men 10 to 1 and most of them smoke at least a pack a day - how do I know BECAUSE THEY DO IT OUTSIDE OF MY GODDAMN WINDOW!!!) touche so I have decided to get all (person must remain nameless but Lisa and Scot know who I am talking about) on their asses and say fuck it germs, not only do I double wrap but I am not going to touch a single doorknob / faucet / whatever I have to touch without a paper-towel in hand. And let me tell you I love it. People think I am a freak but I can stare at them and say - maybe you are the diseasist who is trying to kill me so I don't care what your judgment eyes say. By the way, could you please stop spending 7.5 of the 8 hours you are working standing outside of my office window smoking - the air seems to come right through the vent and I think I am getting more smoke inhalation from you bitches than I did the entire time I smoked. By the way I bet your house stinks and I hate you. THE END!

Dear Kimmie, I can call you Kimmie right?

I mean you look like a Kimmie much more than a Kim or a Kimberly or my least favorite which is a misleading way of saying my most hated ever because it is stupid and butchy, Berly. I mean if you are going to call yourself Berly you might as well say - just because I am a lady and I am alive doesn't mean I need to be associated with an ounce of femininity. Fuck it, you might as well call me by my last name, which sounds like a butch cacophony thank you very much. As a lady who is alive and who wasted her years of potential and youth trying to deny herself said femininity I can safely say it is a garish mistake. A mistake which does not allow enough time in eternity to overcome. So I guess I beg you my little Kimmie - please don't call yourself Berly, or Zolzkciasdkjhsgh or whatever the fuck your crazy last name is.

Anyway, here is my question for you. Why is it that when I am smoking, all I want to do on this earth is to NOT smoke, however, when I am NOT smoking I would kill you just to smoke for a moment, however, it might be true to say that I would kill you for a nickel or I would kill you just to see if you deflate but that isn't the point here. Stop whining about yourself and Quincy and give me a goddamn answer.

LYLAS,
I am a Lady and I am alive.

Some pros and cons on the quitting of the smoking for you Kimmie

Pros of not smoking
1) Not smelling like smoke
2) Not having to listen to certain people say - your car smells like my Grandma's car
3) Looking at people who are smoking with my eyes of judgment as if to say - yeah - you are weak and cannot control your destiny.
4) Not having to change the channel on my t.v. ever goddamn time by that Dr. Whatserface on the Today show blahdy blahs about the fucking consequences of smoking.
5) Not looking like this picture

Cons of not smoking
1) Not smoking
2) Having to be all straight edge and shit about it
3) Not getting to smoke
4) Dealing with the fucking traffic and not having an outlet to vent my frustrations therefore requiring me to tone down the road-rage which is a huge pain in the anus.
5) A Rusty Nail and a cigarette after a long day of living.

Ok - you gross me out - so why do I miss watching you on the television these days

Dear Kim from the Real Housewives of Hotlanta,

My bffroommie asked me last night when we could expect to enjoy your pretty (that is sarcasm Kimmie) facial expressions in season 2 and I hate to admit that I did not have an answer for him. Where are you? I hope you are filming RIGHT THIS MINUTE because I went to Tulsa (you can still fucking smoke in bars) Oklahoma for Jesus is the Reason for the Season and with all the drinking, I slipped a few times and smoked a few cigarrettes. I need to see you every week so that you can eeeeeeeeew me out of any desire to smoke. You are the opposite of Don I want in your pants Draper, that is all I have to say - not just because I do not want in your pants but because you make smoking supersick and he makes smoking super tolerable. I guess that makes you the opposite of tolerable.


Wanna know what is annoying Kimmie? When people you haven't seen for a long time say shit like - You STILL SMOKE? Like I smoke 3 packs a day - and first thing in the morning I roll over in bed and light a cigarette before I even turn on a light - GRODY TO THE MAX ANUSPEOPLE - I said no stupid little bitch I DON'T I am just relapsing - go take a viagra or whatevs you need to do to get off my back beyotch.

Anyway TXTX,
I am a Lady and I am Alive

Dear Kim from the Real Housewives of Hotlanta - thanks for making me quit the smoking

Oh Kim,

You can take full credit for my smoke quitting. It is because of you that I can no longer tolerate it. Why you ask? I think this little pic sums it up don't you?

While I have wanted to quit for so long, I have never really had something to fuel my willpower until I saw you on the tv smoking in your stinky carpeted bedroom, or in the car with all the windows rolled up, I don't know if this is going to stick - but every time (other than the couple of times I have smoked in the past few weeks - hey - we all know that relapse puts the RE in recovery) I want to smoke I think of this photo and I can put my smoking thoughts aside.

So thank you - Kim.