Dear Kimmie, I can call you Kimmie right?

I mean you look like a Kimmie much more than a Kim or a Kimberly or my least favorite which is a misleading way of saying my most hated ever because it is stupid and butchy, Berly. I mean if you are going to call yourself Berly you might as well say - just because I am a lady and I am alive doesn't mean I need to be associated with an ounce of femininity. Fuck it, you might as well call me by my last name, which sounds like a butch cacophony thank you very much. As a lady who is alive and who wasted her years of potential and youth trying to deny herself said femininity I can safely say it is a garish mistake. A mistake which does not allow enough time in eternity to overcome. So I guess I beg you my little Kimmie - please don't call yourself Berly, or Zolzkciasdkjhsgh or whatever the fuck your crazy last name is.

Anyway, here is my question for you. Why is it that when I am smoking, all I want to do on this earth is to NOT smoke, however, when I am NOT smoking I would kill you just to smoke for a moment, however, it might be true to say that I would kill you for a nickel or I would kill you just to see if you deflate but that isn't the point here. Stop whining about yourself and Quincy and give me a goddamn answer.

LYLAS,
I am a Lady and I am alive.

Some pros and cons on the quitting of the smoking for you Kimmie

Pros of not smoking
1) Not smelling like smoke
2) Not having to listen to certain people say - your car smells like my Grandma's car
3) Looking at people who are smoking with my eyes of judgment as if to say - yeah - you are weak and cannot control your destiny.
4) Not having to change the channel on my t.v. ever goddamn time by that Dr. Whatserface on the Today show blahdy blahs about the fucking consequences of smoking.
5) Not looking like this picture

Cons of not smoking
1) Not smoking
2) Having to be all straight edge and shit about it
3) Not getting to smoke
4) Dealing with the fucking traffic and not having an outlet to vent my frustrations therefore requiring me to tone down the road-rage which is a huge pain in the anus.
5) A Rusty Nail and a cigarette after a long day of living.

Ok - you gross me out - so why do I miss watching you on the television these days

Dear Kim from the Real Housewives of Hotlanta,

My bffroommie asked me last night when we could expect to enjoy your pretty (that is sarcasm Kimmie) facial expressions in season 2 and I hate to admit that I did not have an answer for him. Where are you? I hope you are filming RIGHT THIS MINUTE because I went to Tulsa (you can still fucking smoke in bars) Oklahoma for Jesus is the Reason for the Season and with all the drinking, I slipped a few times and smoked a few cigarrettes. I need to see you every week so that you can eeeeeeeeew me out of any desire to smoke. You are the opposite of Don I want in your pants Draper, that is all I have to say - not just because I do not want in your pants but because you make smoking supersick and he makes smoking super tolerable. I guess that makes you the opposite of tolerable.


Wanna know what is annoying Kimmie? When people you haven't seen for a long time say shit like - You STILL SMOKE? Like I smoke 3 packs a day - and first thing in the morning I roll over in bed and light a cigarette before I even turn on a light - GRODY TO THE MAX ANUSPEOPLE - I said no stupid little bitch I DON'T I am just relapsing - go take a viagra or whatevs you need to do to get off my back beyotch.

Anyway TXTX,
I am a Lady and I am Alive